FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
July 14, 2023
Washington, D.C. — Today, the Supreme Court of the United States announced the launch of a revolutionary online platform, “Scomo,” designed to bring bribery in the name of justice to the fingertips of everyday Americans. In an effort to level the playing field and uphold the Court’s proud tradition of accepting ethically questionable financial influence, Justice Clarence Thomas will now be available on Scomo to accept monetary contributions from citizens seeking to sway the Court’s decisions in their favor, much like the bribes he already accepts from billionaires, CEOs, and lawyers with cases pending before the court.
The Scomo website, accessible at www.scomo.me, aims to empower every citizen to bypass traditional channels and directly influence the decision-making process of the highest judicial authority in the land. Users can input their desired judicial outcome and financially contribute to Justice Thomas’ account there. Please note: the more zeros you add to your donation, the louder your voice will be heard in the hallowed halls of justice.
To ensure a fair and equitable process, Justice Thomas will diligently review each contribution and consider its persuasive power in determining his stance on cases. Whether corporate interests, personal vendettas, or matters of public policy and fundamental human rights, Scomo is here to bridge the gap between everyday Americans and the Supreme Court.
Justice Thomas, renowned for his receptiveness to outside influence, commented, “I firmly believe that every voice should be heard. Scomo allows the American people to participate directly in the democratic process, like my dear friend Harlan Crow, regardless of their bank account size. It’s a win-win for democracy and my personal Scomo balance.”
While some critics may raise concerns about the ethical implications of such an endeavor, the Supreme Court assures the public that Scomo is simply an extension of the existing practices that have stood the test of time. It embodies the spirit of contemporary jurisprudence and the belief that financial contributions can foster a more inclusive and responsive judicial system.
Chief Justice John Roberts remarked, "Scomo exemplifies the innovation and adaptability of the American legal system. It allows us to stay current with the evolving landscape of influence peddling while staying true to the timeless values of the Court."
The Supreme Court of the United States invites all citizens to visit www.scomo.me, sign up for an account, and contribute to shaping America's legal landscape. Together, we can embrace a future where justice is truly in the hands of those who can afford it.